The Death of Stupidity

Ha ha ha. If only. But this will the Death of "24 Stupidity". I'm usually not one to give up on an endeavor so soon, but I never imagined that chronicling the demise of this one-great show would prove as painful as a night out with Chloe. So, unless any of you intrepid Jack-o-philes want to continue my legacy, I'm hereby retiring this blog. C'mon, it was getting old anyways. (Not nearly as quickly as the show was, though...)

Day 6, 7 PM - 8 PM (Episode 14)

Editor's note: I will warn you that last week's episode left me a little weary, and probably a bit punchy. So if I'm a bit snarkier than usual (if that's even possible), let's just say that I'm starting to sympathize with Jack's two years being tortured by the Chinese, and am close to losing my will to go on. Let's hope some nuclear explosion gives me a reason to continue...

- Why did Gredenko launch the drone before it was ready? Why couldn't he have taken it along with the rest of the drones and bombs, and launched it later? There's a whole lot of artificial urgency by these terrorists.

- Only on 24 could they dream up a Vice-President that's crazier than Dick Cheney. Now that really stretches the bounds of credibility - I'm pretty sure there's no one in the real world actually crazier than Cheney.

- How long has Marilyn been standing around CTU wringing her hands waiting for Jack to return? We haven't seen her in hours! Clearly, she's been waiting in the wings to put the moves on Jack. Good timing, lady.

- Let me make a prediction right now (and, if you haven't figured out already, I write this as I watch): The Veep is clearly heading towards a nuclear strike, and it's going to be up to Jack and company to stop the drone and therefore not provide the pretext for that strike. But it's pretty apparent that the Veep doesn't really care about convincing pretext, and so it seems to me that regardless of what Jack does or doesn't do with the drone, the Veep would launch his nuclear attack. Hell, if he doesn't need evidence, and he already has had a couple previous nuclear attacks and an assassination attempt levied, why's one more going to tip the scales back? But I'm willing to bet that Jack stopping the drone will stop the Veep (for now), which to me makes no sense. If the Veep is that crazy, then make him that crazy - he clearly wants to blow up some A-rabs for fun.

- Chloe was able to check out Nadia's system for the leak in about 30 seconds. So why would check out 50 workstations (especially with multiple people) take an hour?

- Why did the terrorists target San Francisco instead of Los Angeles? Sure doesn't make a whole lot of sense if they're in a big rush. Why not choose the closest target?

- Why is Morris running a "backtrace" from Nadia's station? Wouldn't it be easier to turn off her station to prevent the terrorists from getting any more of the satellite data? Of course it's going to work perfectly and allow them to find the terrorists' location, but stopping the flow of data seems more prudent to me. And I don't know about you, but translating IP data into an actual geographic location in seconds ain't easy.

- Nadia would have to be a colossal idiot to actually be working for the terrorists. Of course, maybe that's just what she wants us to think!

- Jack's bandages make it look like he's wearing a tube top. Very sexy!

- Bill's such a pushover in letting Jack run point! Sometimes, Jack's too unstable to trust with the security of the entire nation. But when he's doing it because of a vendetta against the killers of his ex-girlfriend, that's just fine.

- How on Earth does Chloe know what the detonation perimeter around SF is? Jack didn't know, and didn't tell her anything.

- Hey, my prediction was wrong. At least they're consistent in portraying a VP that's completely off the rails. Once again, how did Wayne choose to run with this guy?

Day 6, 6 PM - 7 PM (Episode 13)

- I know Chloe tried to explain it away, but why the hell is Logan just hanging out at CTU? Shouldn't someone be monitoring him a little more closely, especially given the Vice President's orders? Why on Earth would they hold him in a room that Chloe might need to be in? Really, the facilities at CTU are pretty lacking, if you ask me.

- Look, Jack is the biggest badass in the world, and I know I'll probably regret ever doubting his skills, but disarming the dude with the belt was a little too Indiana Jones for me. Plus, how did he even get the belt off the guy? It's not like we saw him actually unbuckle it... Also, it would have made a whole lot of sense for the bad guy to confirm the plans BEFORE throwing Jack down the stairs.

- These diplomatic connections are getting more and more tenuous. Subarov won't listen to anyone except for his wife. No one can connect with his wife except for Mrs. Logan. And Logan's the only one who can convince his crazy, estranged wife to talk to Mrs. Subarov. Enough with these single points-of-failure, people! We need more redundancy!

- I like this Doyle guy. It's about time there was someone at CTU that actually demanded competence. Where's he been the previous five years?

- Why on Earth would Martha Logan believe Charles without any confirmation from someone else? Couldn't he have set the whole thing up just to accomplish some new nefarious goal? It's not like he's incapable of such deception. And it'd be very entertaining if when Mrs. Logan tries to call Anya Subarov, she's unavailable and all of these histrionics are for naught.

- Hey, she was unavailable! But giving a speech? At midnight?

- Good for Mrs. Logan! But this is what happens when you let criminal ex-Presidents wander around unfettered, especially near knife-wielding lunatic ex-wives. And is it wrong that I really don't care at all about the Logan family soap opera? On the other hand, I'm glad that Aaron's finally getting some. He should just kill the whole lot of 'em.

- It took less than a minute for Mrs. Logan to convince Mrs. Subarov to convince her husband to make Markov surrender. That's completely ludicrous. She must be a more powerful puppetmaster than Dick Cheney and Hillary Clinton combined.

- It's mighty strange that Doyle doesn't seem to have to wear a helmet. Even Curtis wore a helmet.

Day 6, 5 PM - 6 PM (Episode 12)

- I realize there's a whole lot of chaos in the wake of the bomb, but it's pretty strange what's going on in the bunker. First of all, the Secretary of Defense is in charge because he's the "ranking" member of the Cabinet? Well, according to the line of succession, it's the Secretary of State who's at the top of the list. But the SecDef seems to just be bossing people around left and right. Also, doesn't the Vice President have his own Chief of Staff? Of course, he's not yet around. And, lastly, poor Chad Lowe always seems to make up an excuse for Lennox's absence that just happens to contradict the recent experiences of the person he's talking to. ("I just saw the Attorney General...")

- I said it last week, but since they insist on basically repeating the exact same conversation as before, so will I: Chad Lowe and the Magic Marker Assassin are ridiculous. Why isn't the assassin willing to kill Chad Lowe too? Once you've tried to kill the President, the rest is pretty much gravy, don'tcha think? And why doesn't Chad Lowe think that especially now, with the President not actually dead (and liable to undo whatever his replacement does once he regains coherence), that Lennox isn't an incredible liability to their long-term plans if he's alive? They're pretty much the dumbest assassins ever.

- So, they just kinda glossed over this one: Logan had/has evidence that Markov was somehow responsible for the Sentox nerve gas attacks from Season 4, but never did anything about it? Well, it's no surprise that he's involved in another terrorist attack. Logan was even worse than we thought!

- 30 minutes ago, Jack said that he doesn't trust Logan. Yet he's willing to allow Logan to hear him talk to Chloe about another covert operation into the Russian Consulate? Why not step out of the car first, so Logan doesn't have any blackmail material?

- Aside from the misconceptions in the public's eye about torture being effective and necessary, there's another myth that I think "24" is largely responsible for: The President as Commander-in-Chief over everyone. The President is Commander-in-Chief of the military, not civilians. If the President orders you to do something illegal, he may pardon you later, but it's still illegal. But in "24", the President seems to have ultimate authority over everything. In this particular case, he can isolate himself with an assassination suspect, and also tells another lackey that Lennox's statement shouldn't be given directly to the Attorney General. I can certainly understand in "24"-land that people give deference to the President and don't want to disobey him (if nothing else, for fear of losing their jobs), but you'd have to figure at some point, in the real world, someone would at least think twice about trashing whatever policies and procedures they've probably been trained their whole life to obey.

- This bears repeating too - Lennox's plan is stupid, not just in the long-term (where there will be extreme backlash), but in the short-term. How are they going to round up all of the Middle Eastern people in the entire country? What criteria will they use? Who will do the rounding up? While the authorities are all busy finding the easy-to-finyd Middle Easterners, the terrorists will be literally getting away with murder. It's not like they don't know what Fayed and Gredenko look like, but still haven't been able to find them. How will this help with that? They're in the Mojave desert now anyways...

- So, the Russian guy who asked Jack what he was doing got an answer back in Russian. Did he think that Jack worked for the embassy and he just didn't recognize him? Or did he think that he was encountering a Secret Service agent who just happened to speak Russian? Neither answer really makes much sense.

- What the hell was Jack doing? He thought he'd just walk out of the front door of the Consulate? And there's really no good reason why Markov should have known as much information as he did.

Day 6, 4 PM - 5 PM (Episode 11)

- Hey, who's this new blonde CTU techie that answers the phone when Jack calls? And how do the phones at CTU work anyways? Does Jack just dial everyone's direct line until he gets someone that'll put him through to the person he actually wants to talk to? Why not call Bill's cell phone directly, in this case?

- Wow, the screening for getting into the President's underground bunker is even less serious than going through an airport. They don't run his briefcase through an x-ray machine or swab it down. One dude just uses a marker and a tape recorder and pronounces him good to go.

- You know, I'm much more likely to believe that the people trying to assassinate the President are willing to do anything to "keep the country safe" than I am that they are noble and just misguided. Maybe they think the ends justify the means and that killing the President will save thousands of lives in the end. Fine, I can buy that. But then wouldn't they also think that risking exposing their plot by keeping Lennox alive isn't worth it, because that also might lead to their eventual downfall? I mean, if you're in for a penny on this one, you're in for a pound. Don't try to tell me that these people really have some sort of ethical system. There's a difference between sociopathic behavior and psychopathic behavior, and they're leaning towards the latter. If that's the case, why not have some sort of kamikaze mission to take out the President?

- The type of logic that allows Logan to go on a "furlough" is the bread-and-butter of "24", but it really doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Logan can't talk to Markov on the phone? Logan can't tell Jack or someone else what he knows? He can't send a deputy? Jack hasn't dealt with criminals before? The ONLY way is for Logan to go, in person, to Markov? Nonsense.

- Hey, Lennox IS the Chief of Staff! Glad we finally got that one wrapped up.

Day 6, 3 PM - 4 PM (Episode 10)

- Phillip Bauer's lackey claims that Jack is dead, simply because the bomb went off. Now, I'm certainly willing to believe that they could have planted a bomb that would have killed everyone without question. But they didn't. (They planted one that I suppose was motion-sensitive and beeped, so there would be just enough time to escape, instead of one that could be remotely detonated instantaneously, which they certainly could have done, because they were already lurking outside anyways.) Jack, meanwhile, says that "half his team is down", and he needs paramedics. So, which kind of bomb is this? The kind that unquestionably kills everyone inside the house, or the kind that injures half of a CTU team to the point where they need paramedics? (Dead people don't need paramedics.) Plus, any lackey worth his salt should know that if you lie to the big bad boss, you're gonna die.

- The other two mercenaries could have shot Milo behind a dumpster, but instead decided to bring him out into broad daylight to do it. Brilliant.

- Lead mercenary is the most helpful, friendly bad guy I've ever seen. He's willing to do whatever Jack wants (presumably, they edited the coercion part out, but isn't watching Jack coerce bad guys the whole point of the show? I want to see Jack growling to the guy that they're going to render him to Afghanistan where he'll be raped by mountain lions unless he cooperates.): Put down my gun? Sure! Call my boss? Anything! Hey, I'll even tell you how to unscramble my phone. You don't even have to cuff me. Is there anything else I can do for you? No violence, no torture, no muss, no fuss!

- The motivations of the underlings that are willing to help assassinate the President are pretty weak. They're claiming that the President is jeopardizing lives because he's not willing to imprison every Arab in the country? So, they're going to kill him, put evil veep Powers Boothe in charge, and then imprison every Arab, and then magically be safer? This doesn't even rise to the level of the time the Cabinet ousted David Palmer because he wouldn't go to war. And why wouldn't that specious method work this time, either?

- The ranking Secret Service agent on site isn't Aaron Pierce? What a travesty!

- Ok, at least Tom realized that what he was being sold wasn't quite worth the price. I'd like to think that Chad Lowe and the folks ordering him around have something a little better in mind. If you're gonna hatch a plot to assassinate the President, at least do it for a worthwhile reason.

- It was pretty silly to expect that Gredenko had been maintaining the same safe house from the time that Marilyn followed Graeme until now. Any half-decent terrorist would probably move at least once, don'tcha think?

- At 3:32, Jack, Marilyn, and Friendly Lead Mercenary enter the stairwell of the hotel from the garage. At 3:43, they emerge from the stairwell. Are they on the 100th floor? Remember that normally, it takes Jack about 11 minutes to drive 100 miles. (He really is the world's most friendly mercenary: Don't tip my dad off? Sure thing! Put these cuffs on? My pleasure! Can I get you a cup of coffee?

- I'd like to rip on the Jack - Phillip exchange, but I can't, because I actually think that their motivations could be plausible. It's reasonable to think that Jack, so beaten down and tormented, is resigned to his fate and actually guilty about what his job has done to the people who love(d) him. And it's also possible (although less likely) that Phillip was willing to kill Jack when he didn't have to face him, but couldn't pull the trigger directly, especially if he felt that Jack's apology was heartfelt. However, they've gotta be consistent, and their track record really isn't all that great.

Day 6, 2 PM - 3 PM (Episode 9)

- Gredenko's an "ultra-nationalist", so therefore his motivations are in sync with Fayed's? I imagine that's all the explanation we're going to get regarding the motives of the terrorists, but I'd have to think that members of the former Soviet Union are going to have slightly different motives that Islamic fundamentalist terrorists. How is Gredenko hurting the U.S. going to benefit whatever country he's a supporter of? Is he just still bitter over Rocky IV?

- Credit where credit is due: They didn't overlook the fact that this was the first time Jack had been back to CTU since his trip on the slow boat to China. However, this blog is called "24 Stupidity" for a reason, so don't get used to the praise.

- A prediction, which you heard here first: By the end of the season, Morris will be redeemed by sacrificing his life heroically for some greater good.

- Bill wants to cover up for Jack because he's worried about the Internal Affairs investigation impeding their search for Fayed and Gredenko on this very day? How quickly do those things turn around? I'm pretty sure Jack doesn't care a whole lot about his future at CTU.

- Why is Papa Bauer allowed to wander around CTU unaccompanied? For that matter, why are all guests of CTU brought into the same area where they do analysis, and where you presumably need some high-level clearance to access? They can't have a visitor's area with some interesting magazines?

- Jack's intuition definitely got knocked off-kilter by his experiences in China. He couldn't see through his father's lies, and now he can't tell when Marilyn received a clearly disturbing phone call.

- Wow, it's a good thing that the people that Phillip Bauer called chose a house on a street that Marilyn happened to pass on her way to the real house. I'm sure the streets of LA aren't very dense, so it was bound to happen, right?

- I was right! Gredenko IS mad about the outcome of Rocky IV. I'm still not sure how blowing up the U.S. is going to fix that, or really, how the outcome of the Cold War wasn't much more the fault of the U.S.S.R. than the U.S. They couldn't come up with a more plausible villain? What about China? Cuba? France?

- Chloe just said that Hindry Place is a mile away from where Jack and Marilyn were looking, but we saw them drive right past it. Chloe's so silly!